The Cloud & Tifa Cooking Hour
by Red XII
Summary: Cloud and Tifa get their own cooking show
1. It Begins

"The Cloud & Tifa Cooking Hour"

(Music flares up as Tifa & Could enter the stage from opposite sides)

Tifa: Hello, I'm Tifa 

Cloud: And, I'm Could

Tifa & Cloud: And, this is "The Cloud and Tifa Cooking Hour"!

(Audience claps wildly, Cid and Barret scream in from the audience)

Barret: Yeah! Tifa you go girl! You too Spikey!

Cid: Woohoo! Take it off!

Barret: #$&#@ Damn it Cid! This is a cooking show, not a strip joint!

Cid: Oh yeah, sorry forgot.

(Audience applause dies down)

Cloud: Thank you, thank you.

Tifa: No really you're too kind.

Cloud: You really don't need to clap so much.

Tifa: Thank you everybody, really the pleasure is all ours.

Barret: God Damnit! Start the show already you Spikey-headed foo!

(Cloud glares into the audience.)

Barret: Um, I mean any time you're ready… hehe

(Cloud's eyes flare up as he cast confusion on Barret, who promptly begins beating himself over the head with his boot)

Tifa: Yes, well moving on…

Cloud:Today we're preparing a succulent roast chocobo!

(Audience begins clapping again and then quickly dies down)

Cid: Take it off!

(Suddenly a loose stage light falls and lands on Cid, knocking him unconscious)

Tifa: Well that was sudden and unexpected.

(Familiar Voice): Not really, he was getting to be a pain in the ass. So I simply made him take a nap.

(Tifa and Cloud look up and notice a smiling Red XIII perched on the rafters)

Cloud: Yes… No if we could continue on without any more interruptions… 

Tifa: Great! Now we like to start out with a blue chocobo since they usually have the most delicious juices.

(Cloud plops a squawking chocobo up onto the table)

Tifa: It's also important that he's dead Cloud!

Cloud: Oh yeah, sorry forgot.

(Cloud whips out his Buster Sword and lops off the chocobo's head)

Tifa: Perfect! Now I personally like to sprinkle my chocobo with a little lemon juice so that it's nice and sweat.

Cloud: But, remember this step is optional.

Tifa: (Tifa mumbles under her breath) Yeah, optional if you want it to taste like crap…

Cloud: What was that Tifa?

Tifa: Um, I said yes it is optional, now on to the next step!

Cloud: What is the next step?

Tifa: Actually I'm not quite sure…

Cloud: I though you said you've done this before?

Tifa: I did, just that well I was make the microwavable kind…

Cloud: Perfect Tifa… just perfect…So now what are we supposed to do?

Tifa: It's not important, on to cooking it!

Cloud: No this is where I know what I'm doing!

(Cloud smiles and pulls out various materia)

Tifa: Most people will set the chocobo to bake for a certain amount of time in a conventional oven.

Cloud: But, not us!

Tifa: We prefer to use a much faster method.

Cloud: MATERIA!

(Cloud casts fire on the chocobo and barely singes it)

Tifa: Um, Cloud I think it needs to be cooked a little bit more than that…

Cloud: Really, you think so…

Tifa: (mumbling under her breath) Well considering you couldn't burn a match with that crappy fire…

Cloud: What was that?

Tifa: Oh nothing, I just said we might want to try some material that's a little higher…

Cloud: Um, okay… You mean like Fire2?

Tifa: Sure why not?

(Cloud then engulfs the chocobo in a whirlwind of flames. The chocobo then emerges with a semi-golden tint to it)

Tifa: Um, Cloud I think we better turn it up a notch…

Cloud: Well, if you say so.

(Cloud uses Fire3, which engulfs the chocobo in flames)

Red XIII: Whoa! Seriously cool!

Tifa: Very nice Cloud I think we can move on.

Cloud: You sure, I think it needs just another roast…

Tifa: Right Cloud… If you burn it once more it will not only be burnt to a crisp, but surprisingly fat free…

Cloud: Really, I've been meaning to lose weight…

(Cloud pulls out a red Ifrit materia)

Tifa: Cloud I was joking don't actually-

(But, Tifa was to late as Cloud had already summoned Ifrit.)

Ifrit: Raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawww!!!

Tifa: Oh dear not my beautiful chocobo!

(Ifrit pulls back his fist, and releases a ball of flames. But instead of burning the bird to a crisp, it simply cooks it nicely to a beautiful delicacy)

Tifa & Cloud: WOW!!!!!

Ifrit: Ah yes, the art of cooking. I've always enjoyed a good roast chocobo.

(Tifa and Cloud's mouth's both drop to the floor)

Cloud: You can talk!!!

Tifa: You can cook!!!

Ifrit: Why yes, I've always enjoyed the fine art of good cuisine.

Yuffie: (Whispers to Cloud from off stage) Okay wrap it up Spikey!

Cloud: Will you people get it right, my name isn't SPIKEY!

Tifa: Yes, well this is the Tifa

Cloud: And Cloud

Ifrit: And Ifrit!

(Cloud and Tifa look over at Ifrit with a confused gaze)

Ifrit: I fine I'll leave. You ungrateful little…..(And he vanishes before their eyes)

Cloud & Tifa: This is The Cloud & Tifa Cooking Hour, signing off!

(Music flares up again and audience begins clapping as the lights fade out)

So what'd ya think everyone, write a review I really want to know if I should write more stories or not.


	2. Where's Cloud?

"The Cloud and Tifa Cooking Hour: Episode 2"

(Music flares up and audience begins clapping as Tifa enters from the left side of the stage)

Tifa: Hello and Welcome to the….

(She waits for Cloud to fill in his dialogue)

Tifa: I said, Hello and welcome to the…

(She waits again, but no sign of Cloud)

Tifa: Cloud! It's your cue!

(she glances off stage to Yuffie who simply shrugs and give back a similar puzzled expression)

Tifa: Will you just say your blasted line already, we got lucky to get this slot and I'm not going to lose is to that Martha Stuart bitch! So get your spikey ass out here now!!!!

(Still no response)

Tifa: Fine, I guess I'll just have to make do…

(She looks around in the audience, then suddenly stops and notices Sephroth gobbling down bag after bag of complimentary studio audience popcorn)

Tifa: Perfect….

Seph: Mmmm, it's (CHOMP) really stale (MUNCH), yet so (CRUNCH) good at the (SMACK) same time! BUUUUUUUUUUUUUURP!

Tifa: Oh Sephy…

(Sephroth stops and looks up at Tifa with a face entirely covered with popcorn kernels)

Seph: Yes?

Tifa: How would you like to be on TV?

Seph: I wouldn't (he then goes back to contenting himself by stuffing his face with popcorn)

Tifa:….But you'd be really famous

Seph: (Doesn't even bother to look up from his food this time) Tita, I almost destroyed the planet, I single handedly killed the president of a world dominating enterprise,I think that was enough fame for me, thank you very much.

Tifa: Thats Tifa, not Tita.

Seph: Oh sorry.

Tifa:……(Scratches her head) But you'll get lots of girls…

Seph: (Looks up) Chicks?! (Sounding slightly interested this time)

Tifa: (Realizing she has his short attention span) Um, yeah. Bunches of em', you'll probably have more than you'll know what to do with.

Seph: hmmmmm…(Sounding a little intrigued yet not won over yet)

Tifa….and um…(she notices the three empty bags of popcorn)…and food, yeah lots of food

Seph: food!!!(Sounding excited)

Tifa: Yep, and all the popcorn you can eat!

Seph: POPCORN!!!!!!!

Tifa: so what do ya say? Do you wanna be on my show?

Seph: you got it Tita!

Tifa: It's Tifa! Not Tita!

Seph: Ya sure whatever, now lets get down to business!

Red XIII: (Still up in ceiling rafters) That was totally pathetic

Tifa: You still here?

Red XIII: Yes, I'm kind stuck… 

Tifa: Um, why don't you just jump down?

Red XIII: I can't

Tifa: Um, Why not?

Red XIII: I don't know I just can't. It's like when cats get stuck in trees, they can climb up but not down.

(Tifa gives him a puzzled look)

Red XIII: Hey don't look at me, I don't make the rules.

Tifa: Right….

Red XIII: Could you call a fireman, please…

Tifa: no

Red XIII: Why not?

Tifa: I just said no! Now back to the show here.

(she turns around to see Sephroth devouring the set)

Tifa: Sephroth!!!

Seph: what?

Tifa: You ate all the food!

Seph; No I didn't, there a little left in the fridge.

Tifa: Aaaahhhh!!!

(Yuffie makes motions to Tifa to wrap up the show)

Tifa: What already! But I have cooked anything yet!

(she frantically searches around the set for something, anything to cook)

Tifa: This'll have to do (she tosses a bunch of vegetables onto the counter)

(she looks around, hoping for an easy answer…. And then spots Sephroth's sword at his side)

Tifa: Perfect! Sephroth look alive!

Seph: What! (He looks up at Tifa totally covered in food)

Tifa: Aaaaaahhhhh!!! (She starts throwing all the food at Sephroth)

Seph: Aaaaahhhh!!!! (He screams like a little girl, draws his sword and begin deflecting the food by stabbing each vegetable with his sword until, it's filled from handle to tip with various vegetables)

Tifa: YES!!! (Tifa quickly darts over to a trembling Sephroth and steals his sword, she then runs over to present it to the camera)

Tifa: And that's how we make a vegetarian sishcabob!

Seph: Hey thats mine! ( He steals back his sword and begins eating it)

Tifa: Well This is Tifa and Sephroth signing off for the…

Seph: Tita and Sephroth cooking hour!

Tifa: It's Tifa you bastard!!!!!!!!!! Get it right, Tifa, Tifaaaaaa!!!!! (She begins beating the crap out of Sephroth)

Tifa: TIFA!(She belts him in the stomach) TIFA! (She kicks him in the head) TIFA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (She unloads a barrage of limit breaks)

(Cait Sith runs out on stage)

Cait Sith: Well thats all the time we have for today, so goodnight everybody!

Tifa: That my line! I'll kill you too you overstuffed excuse for a marshmallow with wings!

(She then pulls Cati Sith into and all out brawl betweent he three of them)

(The lights dim and the music flares up as the audience all run out of the studio screaming)


	3. We Found Cloud

The Cloud and Tifa cooking Hour: Part III  
  
"Cloud's Day Out"  
  
Author Note: Hey, sorry about the huge break, I kind of left the site for a while. It happens to the best of us when our computers crash... but, back now, and hopefully soon running up to speed.  
  
(We enter to Cloud sitting atop a stool drowning his sorrows in a beer at the 7th Heaven bar, Marlene, though only like what? Lets say 12, is sitting behind the bar wiping glasses [it could happen, the girl needs to make some side cash like everyone else.])  
  
Cloud: I mean, does it look stupid? ::lifting a hand gesturing to his head::  
  
Marlene: No, no, no... of course not, it's just a little more...  
  
::Cloud looks up in a clumsy jolt, his expression slightly defensive, almost offended::  
  
Cloud: A little what?  
  
Marlene: Um... creative?  
  
Cloud: Creative? What do you mean creative?  
  
Marlene: um, well -  
  
Cloud: Paintings are creative, video games can be creative, song lyrics are creative... it's hair, it's stupid looking or not.  
  
Marlene: But, um... ::muffled under her breath:: shit think quick, come on what's quick save.  
  
Cloud: hmm? Save what?  
  
Marlene: Um, your hair, how can you talk so slanderously of it. You have to save it.  
  
Cloud: I have to save my hair?   
  
Marlene: Yes of course, don't you see?  
  
Cloud: Well yes, but that not the problem, I just don't understand why we're trying to save my hair. I mean it's my hair, not some noble cause like the endangered mammals. It's not like I-  
  
Vincent: For the love of all that is sacred and holy please shut up now.  
  
Cloud and Marlene: Where did you come from?  
  
Vincent: I've been standing in the corner shadows listening to you banter on for that past seemingly longest five minutes of my life.  
  
Marlene: How'd you get all the way over there without anyone noticing?  
  
Vincent: I'm a creature of the night, I do that.  
  
Cloud: He's sneaky ::drunkenly giggles to himself and begins humming tuneless melody while drunkenly rocking back and forth::  
  
Vincent: Okay then...  
  
Marlene: Well anyway, I meant that your hair was like art, unique, special.  
  
Cloud: It is?  
  
Marlene: Yes, that's what I've been trying to tell you.   
  
Cloud: Oh.  
  
Vincent: I still don't understand what he's saving it from...  
  
Marlene: Do you want the author to have a seizure?  
  
Vincent: Kinda, I doubt it would really have any adverse bad affect on this story.... I mean, the things can't get much worse.  
  
::Suddenly there is a flash of light and Vincent is transformer body and mind in the flash of an eye. And now where Vincent once was, sits a and inflatable sheep, about two feet tall::  
  
Marlene: ::eyes wide in disbelief:: wow.   
  
Cloud: Holy mother of- THUD! ::Cloud is cut short as the momentum from his surprise literally carries him off of his stool and inter the floor::  
  
Marlene: Well, honestly, I did not see that coming. I thought he would have just been smitten from existence.  
  
Sheep: Oh this is rich...  
  
Marlene: Whoa!  
  
Cloud: The exotic sex toy talks!  
  
Vincent: I'm not an exotic sex toy, I'm an undead creature of the night remember?  
  
Cloud: An undead sex toy...?  
  
Marlene: ::moving closer and examining Vincent's new body more thoroughly:: What are all of these holes for?  
  
Cloud: ::drunkenly stammering:: It's because he's inflatable, duh...  
  
Marlene: No, I mean these other ones, it's like they're built in for somethin-  
  
(At this point the author decided to once again blind everyone in flash on light for the sake of moral content. Vincent is transformed from a sheep back into a vampire.)  
  
Cloud: Wow!  
  
Marlene: you, you're a-  
  
Vincent: Okay nice try Mr. Author type person, but seriously, not funny.  
  
Cloud: She's hot!  
  
Marlene: You're a woman!  
  
Vincent: Nice of you to catch up to speed. Now, author guy, about the breasts...  
  
Cloud: No, don't take the breasts, take anything but the breasts! You can have the girl ::gestures to Marlene:: but please, don't hurt the boobs!  
  
::Vincent and Marlene both stare coldly at a drunken Cloud drooling on himself unable to focus on anything but Vincent's chest.::  
  
Marlene: Okay, I think you've had enough for tonight Spikey...  
  
Cloud: ::drooling:: pretty...  
  
Vincent: Cloud didn't you have something you were supposed to do tonight, like that show this Tifa was nagging you about the other day.  
  
Cloud: uh huh.  
  
Vincent: Well when is it, aren't you going to be late?  
  
Cloud: uh huh.  
  
Marlene: He's a dumb, drunken, hornball of a lost cause... I doubt he'd do Tifa much good right now anyway...  
  
Cloud: uh huh.  
  
Marlene: I wasn't even talking to you Cloud.  
  
Cloud: uh huh. ::his eyes having not blinked in the past couple minutes beginning to glaze over::  
  
Vincent: Okay... so if the author would like to kindly flatten my chest we could move on with the story...  
  
(the author nods in agreement)  
  
::Vincent's chest deflates and his slender curving form grows masculinized::  
  
Cloud: Hey!  
  
Marlene: Okay Cloud, last call and all that jazz. We're closing up for the night.  
  
Cloud: But beer... it's foamy, and nice... good beer. ::he smiles to himself and his frothy half empty mug::  
  
Marlene: Yes... and evolution among the Y-chromosomes beyond Neanderthal status is still a feat I have yet to see...  
  
::Cloud grunts in question::  
  
Marlene: Okay big guy, you don't have to go home but you can't stay here, I'm done cleaning up and heading out.  
  
Cloud: But where'm I gonna go? ::his speech cutely slurred in drunken innocence::  
  
Marlene: In reality, you'll probably make it to the street and pass out.  
  
Cloud: But I don't wanna... ::Cloud sits and pouts:  
  
Marlene: I so don't want to deal with this anymore...   
  
::with that, Marlene's eyes begin to glow in a red rage like manger as se reaches behind the counter to reveal a decent sized steel flask::  
  
Cloud: that's not right...  
  
::Marlene brandished the flask over head for a split second, only before bashing it into the side of cloud's skull, rendering him unconscious::  
  
Marlene: That was... interesting.  
  
Vincent: Apparently the author thought you needed some sort of supernatural vindication.  
  
Marlene: Actually I just wanted someone to shut him up, but going all Linda Blair (Exorcist reference) on him works too. Either way, now I just need to find some way of getting his dead weight outside.  
  
Vincent: I can help you out, it's the lease I can don't since I'm still kinda on this estrogen buzz.  
  
::Vincent walks over and pokes at Cloud on the floor. After no response...::  
  
Vincent: Alright buster, I've had about enough of your pig-head and disrespectful attitude to women for one day.  
  
::Vincent hoists Cloud by his collar and carries him outside where he drops his lifeless body on the curb::  
  
Marlene: Think Tifa's gonna be pissed?  
  
Vincent: About what?  
  
Marlene: That Cloud got drunk and missed her show.  
  
Vincent: Well, it's not her show, I think it's supposed to be something they host together.  
  
Marlene: Ah.  
  
Vincent: Yup.  
  
Marlene: So she's way passed pissed then and probably more on the warpath type territory.  
  
Vincent: Yup.  
  
::They smile to one another::  
  
Author Note: Okay, so I apologize in advance if this isn't up to par with my old work, but I'm still getting back into the swing of things. Oh, and secondly, yes there are random errors in my work, I don't care. This is fun to me, and I'm nowhere near anal enough to be a perfectionist so I hope people can content themselves with my drafts. And, yes the next one will be better. 


End file.
